Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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