Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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