We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
