i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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