so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
