Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
