He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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