Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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