...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
