I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
