you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
