I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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