This dress was meant to end up on your floor
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
