It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
