he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
