On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
