i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
They are going to name an STD after you.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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