My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
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