If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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