dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
