Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
