I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
