Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
