I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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