i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
