3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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