and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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