i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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