I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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