i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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