I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
