wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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