So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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