i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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