I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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