how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I would fuck him just for his dog
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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