i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
