I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
