ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
