My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She bit a glass in half.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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