so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
