btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
