i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
