Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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