he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
