I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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