I could have mohawked her pubes.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
