Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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