i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
