What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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