Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
