I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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