tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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