Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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