Just took my morning after pill in the library
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
