dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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